Herding Cats
by HecateA
Summary: One typical school morning in Brooklyn House, which of course means that the place is a free-for-all. Except for the fact that Bast is the one in charge of babysitting... Oneshot.


**Hello! This includes Serpent's Shadow spoilers as far as certain characters go, but I imagine this happening between Throne of Fire and Serpent's Shadow. The idea came to me while I was reading about the chaos and characters of Brooklyn's Nome; one of my favourite parts of the book. **

**For your benefit, here is a list of characters I had to invent for the purpose of this oneshot. The others are actually mentioned in the books. So we have: Kyra, Bonny, Gisele, Henry, Lizzie, Lilia and Thomas. Here is also a warning that this story is chaotic, because such is its essence.**

**Enjoy this!**

**Disclaimer: Me no own.**

* * *

Herding Cats

Cats were easy-going creatures in this world of agitated ones. They didn't freak out unless you touched them, moved them, bothered them, disrupted them, starred at them too long, stole their food, or scared their prey.

Bast was more like a cat than any other god and animal representation combo _ever. _So one can imagine that when Sadie, Carter, Walt _and _Jaz just so happened to be out at the same moment… She was not a happy camper.

Kids were running loose around the house like complete maniacs. She was transporting Lizzie across the main room as the ankle-biters who were not in Bast's arms were on the loose with their crayons. Some were trying to imitate Shelby and her sparks and –the horror- some of them were succeeding. Andrew was now the world's youngest flame thrower.

"Andrew, put that down, kitty!" Bast called.

"Booboo!" Lizzie reminded Bast. "It ouches."

"Yes, I know Lizzie, I know." She nearly tripped and dropped the five-year old girl as her feet collided with the shoes of someone with big feet, but she managed to catch herself. "_Julian! _Found your shoes!"

Barefoot Julian ran down the stairs and looked at the shoes.

"No, I'm not looking for those ones," he said and running out.

"Hey, pick them up! Julian pick them- oh never mind."

"Bast!" Lizzie reminded her once again.

"Yes I know it booboos or ouches," Bast said. She sat the girl down on the coffee table and snapped her fingers for a Band-Aid to zoom at her.

"Nuh uh," Lizzie said. Lizzie didn't enjoy talking for some reason, even if she could do it fine. She liked to point at things and make whatever she was talking about glow instead. Laziness. Bast liked it.

"No? But it ouches," Bast said, the hand holding the Band-Aid hovering above the little girl's scraped knee.

"Not that one," Lizzie said.

"Not that one? Well, which bandage kitty cat?"

"That one!" Lizzie said.

"Sweetie, I can't see what's glowing."

"DORA GLOWS IN THE DARK!" Someone yelled in panic from afar. Lizzie nodded furiously and pointed towards the screaming.

"Okay, okay," Bast said. "I get it, you want Dora." Bast flicked her wrist and the bandage turned to a purple one with cartoon characters and blue monkeys on it. Bast applied it to Lizzie's knee. The demanding six-year-old pointed to her knee.

"What? Kitty cat, I already put a Band-Aid on it, what am I supposed to do?"

"Kiss it." Lizzie said.

"What?" Bast asked.

"Kiss it better, mortal parents do it to their children as an act of reassurance," Alyssa said walking by. "Have you seen Felix?"

"No I have not." Bast said.

"What about my math homework?"

"Go ask a _shabti_," Bast said, kissing Lizzie's knee.

"Right, thanks Bast." Alyssa said running off.

Lizzie smiled, leapt off the table and ran off into Brooklyn House.

"Sweetheart, go eat breakfast!" Bast called.

"Too late too late!" Lizzie said. Bast assumed this meant that the child had been nourished.

A flood of screaming kids came down the main staircase. Julian jumped onto the railing and slid down like a slide.

"What on earth is going on?" Bast asked, fearing _monster, monster, monster, monster. _

"Paul's science project is due first period and he tried making a volcano out of magic! It's GONNA BLOW!" Julian stopped to explain before picking up an ankle-biter by the armpits and whisking her to 'safety'.

"For crying out loud," Bast muttered under her breath. She walked towards the staircase and Shelby approached her, wearing rainbow tights and a purple dress with a daisy on the chest.

"Basty," Shelby said handing Bast a letter.

"What is it, kitten?" Bast asked. She took it and adjusted her eyes to read the Latin alphabet instead of hieroglyphs.

"A head lice warning?" Bast asked.

Shelby scratched her head. "Mmm-hmm."

"Shelby why are you scratching your head?"

"Itchy. Kill itchy."

"Kill itch..? Oh my Ra, please don't tell me you have them." Bast sighed.

There was a POP sound from upstairs.

"No time," Bast said. She grabbed Shelby by the scruff of her neck (old habits die hard) and ran up the stairs. She stopped in front of a room and opened the door to see a volcano made out of actual rocks with actual little trees growing on it. It was taller than Paul who was freaking out. Smoke poured out its chimney and lava was bubbling at the mouth. The little model house on the side had no chance. Tiny men were running down the side, waving their arms in the air, panicking.

"Paul!" Bast said.

"I'm sorry I was too busy taking care of Philip to do my project and- and-"

"How long have you known you'd have to do it?" Bast asked sternly.

"Fire kill," Shelby chirped happily.

"Two weeks." Paul admitted.

"I thought so, get out of there," Bast sighed. She flicked her hand and propelled the volcano into the Duat. "Now, I'm going to make you a real plastic volcano just this once, but don't tell Carter, okay?"

"Yeah Bast," Paul said with shining eyes, "Thank you Bast, you're awesome!"

"Good, it is now on the coffee table. Get the other kids to come back upstairs to get ready and go eat breakfast."

"I already did."

"Then brush your hair." Bast said.

"Kill, kill, kill," Shelby chanted as Bast walked back into the hallway. A girl with two braids was lazily walking down the hall, a hand on the banister.

"Kyra, what are you doing still in pyjamas, go get dressed!" Bast said.

"I'm sick." She said.

"Oh really, what's wrong?"

"Stomach ache."

"Try some breakfast."

"No, like, really bad stomach ache." Kyra said.

"Not true- Jaz healed you before she left with Walt, Carter and Sadie- now go get dressed, school is not an option."

"C'mon Bast, you have no idea what it's like to be a teenage girl!" Kyra said, stomping her foot and storming down the hall, making Tucker leap out of her way and over the railing. Bast rushed over to make sure there wasn't a child-shaped stain on the floor, and saw that he was floating and kids were coming together and making a human net to catch him.

Geez, if teenage girls were this hormonal Bast was sure glad she _didn't_ know.

She brought Shelby to the bathroom and sat the little girl down on the edge of the tub, rummaging in the bathroom cupboards. She found some Tylenol, a box of Spiderman Band-Aids for the male ankle-bitters, a wand, Bonny's asthma pump ('BONNY! Come get your puffer and put it in your bag!'), some grape-flavoured cough medicine, a truckload of gauze, and finally some shampoo for anti-lice.

She ran the tub. Looking around she saw the door at the end of the hallway closed and she immediately felt bad because Kyra was right. Apparently being a teenage girl was apparently really rough and she shouldn't be inconsiderate just because she was immortal. She told Shelby that she'd be right back and to wet her hair, and went to go knock on Kyra's door.

"Kyra, it's Bast."

"Yeah, yeah, I'm getting dressed."

"I know and I'm proud of you Kitty. Are you okay?"

"What do you mean am I okay?"

"You seemed fairly upset," Bast said. "Is everything alright at school? Any homework overloads?"

"No," Kyra yelled back.

"Mean girls? Cat fights?"

"No," Kyra yelled again.¸

"What about boy trouble?"

"_What?" _

"Do you have any boy trouble? Because I may only be a cat, but that seems to be pretty common amongst thirteen-year-old female magicians. I mean, Sadie's ongoing thing and Alyssa's clay man issues, so I was just wondering-"

"This is not the conversation you have from across a closed door!"

"Well I'm sorry but you're changing and I've got Shelby in the bathroom who-"

Kyra gasped and nearly choked on it. "You left an _ankle-biter _alone in the _bathroom_?"

"OHMYRA I did!" Bast yelled before sprinting back to the bathroom.

Well, Shelby had definitely gotten her hair wet, and the rest of the bathroom as well.

"Wet," Shelby said. "I can drown snake. Kill!"

"Umm, yes, I'm sure Carter and Sadie will look into that solution. Okay, lean over the tub now, kitty."

As she washed Shelby's hair and had to keep reminding the little girl to keep her eyes closed _or else, _there was a 'POP' sound that sent the little girl screaming and leaping away from Bast and the bathtub, her hair flicking water at Bast who hissed.

"Terribly sorry if I'm interrupting!" A familiar voice said.

"_Shu?" _Bast asked. "Of course you're interrupting, it's Brooklyn house! Can't you go bug Beijing, Sydney or some other Nome instead?"

"No, you see, I need to talk to you!"

"What is it this time, old man? Shelby- come back here, it's just silly old Shu."

"Silly?" Shu asked undignified.

"Yes, she's four, now shh!" Bast said patting Shelby's back as the little girl leaned over the tub again. "Now what do you want?" Bast asked, resuming to massage the shampoo through Shelby's skull.

"I have a schedule conflict!" He declared as if this were of upmost importance.

"A schedule conflict?" Bast asked, running her fingers through Shelby's brown hair, trying to keep her claws retracted.

"Yes. I cannot take care of Ra today."

"What do you mean you can't take care of Ra today- Horus booked this vacation twenty days in advance- he's going fighting- and Isis is already busy with whatever it is that makes her busy, it's your turn!"

"Ah but yes, see, today the air in Michigan-"

"Michigan?"

"Yes Michigan, is as pure as it'll be this year, so I reckon that I should go-"

"Oh, go to the Duat, Shu!"

Shelby gasped. "Bad word."

"I'm sorry sweetie he deserves it, don't ever repeat it- it is _your _turn to watch Ra, Shu, it is _not _my turn!" Bast said turning from Shelby to Ra.

"Your turn? You barely have a turn!" Shu said.

"That's because I'm herding cats at Brooklyn House!"

"Soap in eye- soap in eye- ouch, ouch, ouch!" Shelby whined.

"Oh, kitten, I told you not to open them. Here, one more rinse and it'll be okay," Bast turned away from the little girl, still rinsing her hair. "I'm busy here. Michigan can wait Shu, you'll just have to go to someplace with clean air tomorrow!"

"Do you think I could talk Niethe into..?"

"No, she'll murder him and shish kabob Ra, are you insane? Just do your part, _please!" _Bast said. "Now get out of here, shoo!"

"That's a bad pun!" Shu said before disappearing on her. She rolled her eyes and called Alyssa to towel dry and comb Shelby's hair.

"Did I do good?" Shelby asked as Bast was getting out of the bathroom.

"You did great." Bast promised, freezing in her steps to smile at the little girl.

"New crayons?"

"Ah- no kitten, I'm sorry."

Shelby pouted, but Bast was calling it a life lesson as she jogged down the stairs.

People were already lining up at the doors, dibbing shotgun for the griffin-boat or rental minivan.

Gisele, a ten year old girl that was undoubtedly going to one day marry Tucker, ran up to Bast with a button fallen off the sleeve of her school blouse. As Bast summoned thread and a needle from the Duat to sow it back on as five-year-old Henry walked by her.

"Hey, did you brush your teeth?" Bast called. He nodded. "Swear to me… Swear to me- ah, no you didn't, do brush them. Tucker- get off that! Don't you remember how that disappeared under Felix the other day?"

The two ten year olds went packing, and on to their business. College aged Lilia came requesting for the minivan's car keys.

"They're on the hook near the door," Bast said.

"Umm, no they're not."

"Well then Walt has them, he was the one who drove to that museum last night," Bast said, tying the knot at the end of the thread.

"Well how are we supposed to get six of these kids to school if we don't have a minivan?" Lilia asked, waving her hand at the ankle-biters, who were wrestling while Shelby waved her crayons at them.

"I don't know you're a magician figure something out!" Bast raged.

"We'll ride Philip," a guy with a pierced ear, Thomas, said coming up. "There, that solves transport for the ankle-biters. Walt left us the spell to amulet the crocodile in the emergency contacts. It's all good. Come on, we'll be late, Lilia."

"Have a nice day," Bast called. Finally she couldn't take it and she snapped her fingers and the thread tied a knot in itself all on its own and sewed Gisele's button back into place. "Okay Gisele, go."

She waddled over to the door, stopping on her way to put an iPad back on a table and stop Felix and Sean from ripping each other's heads off.

"Penguins CAN TO fly!" Felix said. "I've seen it done!"

"Not without magic, no!" Sean yelled back.

"Yeah! With my penguin harness!" Felix yelled.

"That still counts!"

"How is a penguin harness magic?"

"Okay, okay- quit it you two!" Bast said. "Are you all ready for school?"

"I didn't brush my teeth." Sean said.

Bast starred him down.

"Well go find someone who has gum, because the boat is leaving _right now _and we are making no exception_." _

"Can I drive?" Thirty people asked at once. Bast froze after being shocked back a bit, the hairs on her arms standing up straight.

"Okay- umm- who's oldest, Julian? Yes, okay, Julian drives! Ankle-biters, come over here, you're going to take Philip to school. Shelby do you remember how to make him an amulet? Right? Good. And do you remember what we said about Philip staying an amulet at preschool and staying in your backpack so we don't lose him? Good. Elementary school kittens- go to the bus stop right now, have a nice day all of you! High and middle school kittens who are not taking the boat- come here and get the subway passes and tickets!"

The ankle-biters ran around her legs and shot sparks at each other as she handed out subway tickets. One of them burnt right through the subway tickets.

"Oops," Lizzie said.

"Yeah oops. That was the last one. Only tonight was Thomas supposed to get more." Bast said. She dug in her pocket for change but found none, everyone was broke, and as usual the 'emergency change' jar was empty.

"Okay, you know what," Bast told the last one in line, Cleo. "You're allowed to take a portal."

"I want to take a portal!" Another clamoured.

"No, you are taking the subway. Go. Now. Have a nice day."

Felix burst back into the house. "Forgot my lunch!"

"Hurry up or you won't make it back to the stop!" Bast said.

A pack of penguins waddled straight out of the walls at him.

"No guys- I said when I came home from _school _coast was clear!" Felix shushed them. Bast crossed her arms.

"I thought Carter had talked to you about this."

"Bast, can we go, we'll be late." The subway-takers asked.

"Yes, of course, have a nice day kittens!" Bast said. She turned back to Felix. "They make the house wet and slippery and when we have to feed them it smells like fish." Bast said.

"I know- but it's that they were so _lonely. _They _missed me._"

"They..? Okay, you know what, just grab your lunch and go!" He sprinted into the kitchen.

"I'll go make my portal." Cleo said, off to the backyard.

"Have a nice day Cleo," she said.

Felix burst out the doors with a brown paper bag yelling 'HI BAST BYE BAST HAVE A NICE DAY BAST!' Bast was leading Philip the crocodile through the house, the ankle-biters on his back giggling, giddy with joy.

"Goodbye Auntie Bast," Shelby said, standing up on Philip's tough back, and getting on her tip-toes to hug Bast aroud the waist. She was caught by surprise. Nobody hugged her except for Sadie, and nobody ever called her Auntie Bast. Lizzie and Henry hugged Bast as well as Philip made an impatient noise.

"Goodbye my kittens," she said a little shell-shocked. She opened the door and repeated the school's address to Philip, who then waddled out.

"Hold on tight, kittens, we wouldn't want you to fall off Philip!" It hadn't been fun the one time Bast had had to go to the police station to recover Henry. "And look both ways before you cross the streets, Philip!" Bast said. She was watching the crocodile waddle off, when one of the subway-takers was spotted running back to the house. The ankle-bitters waved and giggled, and Bast saw that it was Alyssa, holding Khufu. The baboon grunted.

"He was in my bag," Alyssa explained.

"I thought it was quieter than usual," Bast said understandingly.

"But now _I _missed the subway," she said.

"Okay, well, Cleo's in the backyard, she's making a portal, but go quickly or you won't catch up."

"Okay Bast, bye!" Alyssa called sprinting to the back. Bast starred at the baboon who whimpered.

"Yes, be ashamed you flea bag." She said. "That's right."

He bared his teeth at her and went off, grabbing a basketball on his way up to Carter's bedroom.

The goddess crumbled on the couch. This was more tiring then centuries of fighting Apophis.

Bast was a cat. She didn't like busyness or plans or being occupied and booked.

But… Fighting with Shu about who watched Ra, trying to reason with hormonal teenagers, regulating young regulation-free magicians, keeping track of homework and notes and subway tickets (and one baboon)... She kind of liked it. She liked taking care of her kittens and have dozens of kids say hello and goodbye to her. Maybe she liked having a job. Maybe she liked having a purpose and something to do and something to do it for.

She looked at the front door they'd all walked out of. Maybe she was just a little excited for them to come back.

That's when the back door opened.

"Blast, we missed breakfast! Congratulation, Carter." Sadie complained.

"It's not my fault there were _two _scrolls to get and not one. They don't call it 'The Scroll of Horus with Two Parts'. How was I supposed to know?"

"Because you know everything, you thick-headed brother."

"Sadie, it wasn't his fault. And Carter, Sadie is psychologically allowed to be upset." Jaz said calmly. "I mean, look at what the thing did to her jacket."

"So what I psychologically supposed to react like?" Walt asked.

"Shut up, you," Jaz said softly.

They appeared out of the kitchen, Sadie holding a carton of orange juice she was drinking from.

"Hi Bast. Did we miss everybody?" Carter asked looking at the empty mansion.

"The question is: did anybody miss _us?" _Sadie said.

"_I_ missed you!" Bast said. And then she collapsed on the couch for a cat nap.


End file.
